Life or Love
by Quillinx
Summary: What do you do when you've lost a piece of you... and can never get it back? What kind of life is a half-life, and is it worth living for? BlazingAuraShipping


**so this is a pretty old fic, though I finished it recently. I've always shipped ninetales and lucario from pokemon mystery dungeon ^^**

**ANGST. LOTS OF ANGST. enjoy!**

* * *

I reach the edge of the forest, feeling a wave of déja vu- except it isn't déja vu. I really do come this way every day. The world beyond the trees, where I gaze longingly, is just as tempting as ever. Just one step. To feel ground beneath my feet that I've never trodden on before. That's all I want.

_No. You promised!_

With a sigh, I turn away. Tempting myself like this is stupid. I should stop coming.

I can't. Can't let completely go of the outside world. I need that glimpse of sunsets and visions more than I've ever needed anything. Once, whole mountain ranges weren't good enough for me. Now, to see over the next hill would be something new and brilliant.

I used to patrol the globe. Now I patrol this forest. It was a bit of a big transition, if you get what I mean.

I was happy. Maybe happy isn't the right word for it. Living on a kind of constant high, only breathing between adventures for the next rush of excitement, putting my life on the line- that was what I loved. It made me feel alive. I didn't care for the fame, the money. _Lucario attempts another incredible feat- saves family of six!_ I didn't care about the family, I cared about the action. The adventure. The only way to appreciate being alive- to not know whether the next moment, you still would be!

I loved it. I broke myself and put myself back together.

It was gorgeous.

I thought she was like me, when I first met her. That was because she wanted to kill me. A daredevil. As fiery as her type. Wilder than any Pokémon I had ever met. We were young and crazy. The number of cliffs we jumped off together- insane. And when our eyes met, it was the most perfect electricity in the universe. We called it love at first sight- but only for lack of a better term.

I broke myself and she put me back together.

It was better than gorgeous.

It was meant to be a one-time fling. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Funny thing- once you've tasted honey, you can't just settle for water any more. I tracked her down- that's my specialty, after all.

It was late at night. We were both drunk on each other and dizzy with the stars that shone down on us, so dazzling this far away from any kind of human city. We made our promises while running on pure adrenalin. It was the best thing I ever did and the worst mistake I ever made.

And yeah, I always loved myself, but I loved her more and that was a million times better. If there was nothing I wouldn't have done before, there was everything I could do now.

I told her everything that I had never admitted to myself, things I'd never even realized, like how I was afraid of dying, and how I was afraid to fall in love, and she told me that was okay, and that's when I stopped being afraid.

And she told me that the reason I always fell out of trees when I was taking a nap was that when a leaf would fall and hit my face, I would jerk and fall off the branch, and I couldn't believe that nobody had ever told me that before.

And sometimes at night, when I woke up, I would see flashes of fire outside our team base window, lighting up the night, and I would smile and turn over and go back to sleep, knowing that I would never have to be afraid of the dark again.

It was called teamwork, and it was amazing.

I was no longer an explorer. _We_ were a rescue team. We were phenomenal, sensational-_ Lucario and Ninetales do it again!_- we were on the front page of every Pelipper-delivered newspaper in the region. Pokémon went wild, speculating exactly when we would break up, saying it couldn't last. We didn't care. Hell, not caring was part of who we were. We didn't let it bother us. It's such a pity that they were right.

Those were the best days of my life. So sweet that it hurts to think about them.

Easy to guess what's coming next. We couldn't just be happy.

They broke her, and I wasn't there to put her back together.

Broke her mind. They took who she was and ripped it into little tiny pieces.

It took me all of twenty-six hours to find her. The longest twenty-six hours of my life. I knew fear, real fear, and I wish I hadn't, because when she broke, my heart broke. She was my heart.

What they did to her…

From the outside, she looked fine. Weaker than usual. Eyes closed in that sweet way that had me flipping worlds to please her. Her nine tails arranged around her body so you couldn't see the scars raking her body, the blood seeping through the thick creamy fur.

When she opened her eyes, though, you could tell that part of her was gone forever.

I would know. I stayed by her, every second, until she opened them.

_"Please don't leave me,"_ she begged.

_"I'll never leave you."_ I reassured her, my voice breaking. Can't stand to see her like this. Almost grateful for the tears that blur my eyes and my senses.

_"Promise me…_" Her voice is so weak.

_"I promise. For ever and always."_

And the recovery, just like any other, and we laughed and cried and I spun her around in the moonlight again. Even opening rescue mission letters was sweeter with her by my side again. I swore to take care of her till she was better. She leaned on me, and I led her in baby steps.

_"It'll be just like it was before,"_ she said, her ruby eyes weak but laughing as she gazed at me.

_"Of course,"_ I tell her, brushing a strand of fur out of her face.

_"We'll take all the hard jobs again…"_ There was real hope in her voice, and I know she saw it in my eyes too, because it was there.

_"What hard jobs?"_ I teased her._ "There are no hard jobs for us."_

A light laugh, trailing off. She had to sleep.

I didn't care that she was an invalid. All that mattered was that she was getting stronger and soon it would be wonderful again and I still had her. And when the nightmares hit hard and fast, I had her warm body to cling to and her steady breathing to listen to and her heartbeat to align with my own, almost subconsciously. I had not lost her, and nothing else mattered. I would take care of her. She would get better.

And then the fear struck, sudden and without warning. I watched her crumple before my very eyes, like a sheet of paper dipped in water. She had dried out, but she could never be the same again, her brain working against her.

I remember the day I woke up on the ground beneath the tree with a sickening thud, and I think it was then that I realized that things would never be the same again.

Terror. I could read it in her eyes as she clung to me, wordless, her mind rebelling against her heart.

She didn't leave the cave anymore, so neither did I, because she said that the fear was better when I was there for her. I stayed up with her through the night, because she couldn't go to sleep without nightmares breaking into her previously-so-strong mind. Her grip on my paw was so tight that I would have lost blood circulation if my heart had even been beating.

There were no more fireworks displays outside the base. Every time I woke, it would be because she had struck out in her disturbed sleep, and there was no more falling asleep again; now, it took all night just to soothe her whimpers.

"A temporary setback," she called it, but even she couldn't muster up a laugh this time, the pain in her eyes lancing into me like guilt, but worse.

"Don't blame yourself," she said.

"Don't leave me alone," she said.

I did both.

I couldn't take it, couldn't take the pain of seeing her, knew that she needed me and decided that I needed me more. Lied to myself. I couldn't have meant that much to her.

It hurt so much.

Being alone. Knowing that somewhere back there, she was there and she needed me and I had left when she needed me most. A fair-weather friend at best. Promises worth nothing. I wanted to take the pain from her, because I could have borne that- what I couldn't take was the helplessness, seeing her in pain and not knowing what to do to stop it. Except for block the sight of her out.

And it had to be my fault, and I was broken and I had forgotten how to put myself back together, so I went back to her and begged her to forgive me.

_"You left me. I can't deal with that."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"You think sorry is enough?"_

I waited. And it took time. It took long enough to hurt and then a little, it took long enough to break and then a little, it took bitter tears cried in the rain outside her cave and it took the winter passing for her to realize that I wasn't going to leave again…

_"If you're ever going to leave again… please just go now, because having you back just makes the parting worse…"_

I am not a forgiven Pokémon. I have learned to live with the fact that I made a mistake, a mistake that can't be pasted over with Scotch tape, a mistake that will be there forever. I've learned that the only thing to do is make sure never to make the same mistake again.

_"I promise that I'll never leave you."_

_"Not ever again?"_

_"Not ever. I will stay with you for ever."_

_"Forever and ever?"_

_"Always."_

And there were days that she was delirious, and sometimes she didn't know me and screamed at me to leave, and I kept my promise.

And there were nights when she rained down the blows on me and sobbed and shouted that it was all my fault, and I kept my promise.

And there were weeks when she cried into my shoulder and said that she couldn't take it anymore and would I kill her now and I- kept my promise.

And there were months where she begged me to tell her every story I knew and I spoke my voice raw and ragged and she kept asking for more and I kept my promise.

And there were times when she asked me to take her outside  
and she would rather die than spend another moment inside this cave  
and she needed to breathe the fresh spring air again  
and I tried the first time

and the second time

and the third time

and the fourth time I told her.

_"You'll never go outside again."_

_"It's a thing called agoraphobia."_

_"You'll just hurt yourself more trying."_

_"Please… I can't stand to see you in pain."_

And she cried on my shoulder and attacked me with her claws and sprayed her own blood all over the cave walls.

And she spent days and nights and days curled up in the darkest corners and tried to stop her own heart.

And she vomited up everything she ate, which was nothing, and she dry-heaved until she began coughing up blood.

And she had nightmares and, worse than that, beautiful dreams full of things she could never achieve now, and she cried on my shoulder again.

I kept my promise.

Even though it hurt. And sometimes I just wanted it to stop, wanted the world to freeze, wanted everything to go away. Even her. Sometimes I would close my eyes and search my heart and it would be terrifying, because I didn't know where all that light, all that love had gone. Had I lost it? Had I been lying when I promised to love her forever? Because this need to be gone… from the blood and the pain and the howling in the night…

Thinking back to the happiness just hurt. I remembered telling her that I was afraid of falling in love, but now it was falling out of love that I was afraid of, and that was so much worse.

I just wanted it to end. The pain, the rage, the… everything, what our life had become, and then I was afraid of myself and turned away and pretended not to feel what I was feeling.

Because I had to keep my promise.

_"If you were gone… I really would kill myself."_ she said one night.

_"I don't doubt it,"_ I said quietly.

_"No, I mean it. I haven't really been trying. I don't really want to die."_

_"That's a surprise to me." _

_"I live for you. I want to live because I have somebody worth living for."_

And at times like that, I didn't know what to say, except to hold her tight and sob inside my heart. I had to be strong. For her. I couldn't let anything show. I knew she could see right through me, but I had to at least pretend.

For her sake.

I look back, once, longingly, and that seems to be what breaks me, because at that moment the purest ray of sunlight brushes past the leaves and streams down to my feet and puddles there, a pool of freedom.

_"I'll never leave this forest again. I'll always be here for you when you call."_

Just a few steps. It would mean so little to her. She wouldn't even have to know…

What did a few feet matter?

Just do it.

Hesitantly, I take one step, and then another. The leaves crackle beneath my feet.

Just do it.

The moment my paw touches that hidden, unseen boundary, I know I've made a mistake. My heart stops and suddenly I can't hear or see or feel anything except- I promised.

And I know, I know it doesn't make any difference, except it does. Because the physical world isn't the only world that exists.

My heart cracks along all the old lines, and-

I need to see her, I need to hold her tight and tell her that I didn't mean to, I was weak, I'm sorry, and I know I'm being irrational but I can't think. The pull is gone; the light open breeze brings a hint of blood to my imagination, I just need to go to her- am I going crazy too-

Branches crack and rustle as I sprint back the way I came, my heart pounding and something's wrong something's empty what have I done what have I done?! I barely notice my chest burning as I skid to a halt in front of the cave.

It feels like a sin to call her name, but I do it anyways.

_"Ninetales?"_

The name echoes and bounces off the walls of the cave, and I stare into the darkness, still expecting a reply after a minute has passed, waiting for her voice to come floating back out, reassuring me that everything

is

going

to

be

okay

It's hard to make myself step inside, when I know I won't find her here. Nothing is left of the girl I fell in love with, nothing left but her scarred, slender form and the eyes that stare into nothingness, into the dark in which she lived.

She didn't die peacefully. I know the berries that lie by her paw, full of foam at the mouth and the fire that rips up your insides, chews you into pieces before swallowing you at last. After all she had been through, I had been stupid to expect that she would find peace. Escape… was the best she could ever attain.

I stand numb, empty, and everything I've ever worked for is nothing! nothing

because she's left me behind

and that's when I remember that she never promised me anything

and I wanted to cry,_ "You promised you would never leave me!"_ but it would be a lie.

I've lied to her enough already…

Gently, I kneel next to her head, wipe the froth away from her mouth and close her eyes so that she looks asleep, and Arceus but I would have flipped worlds to see them open, see her smile one last time. I couldn't even remember when the last time I had seen her smile was.

Why hadn't I kissed her, held her close, never let her go? Am I selfish for having wanted to keep her? All I know is that my heart is breaking and I should never

never have broken my promise

I struggle to remember something, anything, her last words? Our last kiss? The last time I realized how lucky I was to have her, have her at all, when I had been so close to losing her-

I can read a thousand things in the spatters of blood, already drying to dark brown from their brilliant scarlet, how long had she waited for me to come back, how long has she been gone from this cave? I'll never know now. I don't want to hear her voice, but it calls to me from every hair on her body, on every drop of blood.

_i'm sorry i cannot do this anymore forgive me i just can't take it_  
_i love you i love you thank you for everything you've given me_  
_it's not your fault i had to do it i just can't live anymore it hurts_  
_please believe me when i say_  
_it's better this way_  
_i love you_  
_i'm sorry_  
_i_

"I'm sorry I broke my promise-" and my voice cracks, shatters into a million shards of forgotten love as I break down and collapse and sob and know that her ears can't hear my pain, lost in the sleep where morning doesn't come. It's unbearable- I can't do anything-! to make it go away, to make this all right again, because it's not all right and it's never going to be all right and I am breaking breaking broken

all I can think is I'll never have a chance to make things right

it's electricity in the worst kind of pain and the most intense hurt and the anger and the sorrow and the love- love in the way that somebody can snap and crumble and scatter in the wind and you can still love them, the way you can breathe in your love with the wind that's already blown all the shattered pieces away

_"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… please… I'm so, so… sorry…"_

As if saying it will make her come back. As if she can even hear me.

As if I still have a chance to fix this.

_i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i knew-_

What do you do when you're missing a piece of you? What do you do when the world is suddenly gone- of everything that you've ever loved-

-you leave.

Almost viciously, I grab her limp head and bend down, reaching for one last kiss, a kiss for me alone, a kiss that would never reach her. I can taste bitterness in her mouth, the remnants of the poison that had claimed her life, spreading through my mouth like a cold fire. I don't let go. Her lips are as cold as ice and as I feel the toxin begin to take effect in my throat I cry and release her and fall back onto the floor. Her head drops down with a dull crack, and numbly I feel sorry that I won't be able to bury her. Nobody will ever come here. Only our bones will remain.

I feel the poison- just a trace, but it's enough- start to spread through my body, and vindictively I welcome it, feel a brief flare of passion and fury and all I can think is that

_soon it will all be over_

and I cry out

_i know you can't hear me_  
_love_  
_i'm sorry_  
_i'm sorry_  
_i'll make it okay again_  
_i'll make us whole _  
_you don't have to die!_  
_i'll fix our promise_

it's all my fault because I broke the promise  
and to my mind it makes sense  
the most horrible kind of sense

_put me back together again_  
_it's not too late_  
_-please_  
_put me back together again_

but I don't know how.


End file.
